I am not really a playwright.
But I did write a play for the Infå Christmas party in 1986. I guess it’s fair to mention that Tony helped me out just a teeny bit. But it’s still brilliant.
Year Zero Dating Service
ACT I: THE PROBLEM
THE INTERIOR OF COMPUDATE, A COMPUTERIZED DATING SERVICE. A CLERK IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK, WORKING WITH A COMPUTER. THE YEAR IS 0, +- 3.
A customer, Joe, enters.
COMPUDATE CLERK
Hello, and welcome to CompuDate, how may I help you?
JOE
Ah, er, hello, umm, I’m looking for a wife. I’ve been lonely all my life, and I think a wife would make me feel a lot better. It’s not nice to be alone, you know.
COMPUDATE CLERK
Certainly, Sir, I’m sure I can help you with that!
Turns to the computer and writes something.
May I have your name, Sir?
JOE
That’s Joseph. Joseph, son of Jacob.
COMPUDATE CLERK
Very well, Sir!
Writes something on the computer.
May I ask you…er, may I call you Joe, Sir?
JOE
Sure.
COMPUDATE CLERK
Splendid! Now, Joe, what kind of wife did you have in mind? Could you please list a few of her most important qualities?
JOE
Er, uhh, well, she would have to be a nice person. And have a good sense of humour. Not too tall, and I’d really prefer a brunette. And she must be a virgin!
The clerk writes on the computer.
COMPUDATE CLERK
Excellent characteristics, if I may say so, Joe! I am sure we will find just the right partner for you! Now, would you be so kind as to return here in, say, three years? By that time the computer has certainly found you a suitable wife!
JOE
I will do that, thank you very much! I am so excited! Bye, see you real soon!
Joe exits. The clerk continues to write on his computer.
END OF ACT I
ACT II: THE QUERY RESULT
THE SAME SCENE. THE YEAR IS 3 +-3.
Joe enters the CompuMate office, looking happy and excited.
JOE
Hello, I’m here, hope I’m neither early nor late? Have you found me a wife?
COMPUDATE CLERK
Well hello, Joe! Yes, as a matter of fact I have one right here! Mary, could you please come here, my dear?
Mary comes to the office from the neighbouring room. She sees Joe, looks very pleased, blushes slightly and turns her head down.
Joe looks absolutely delighted.
COMPUDATE CLERK
This is Mary!
MARY
He…hello!
JOE
Hello, Mary!
COMPUDATE CLERK
That’s it then. Now please would you be so kind as to pay me this service fee and have a nice life!
Hands over a bill. Joe looks at it, and pays the clerk the requested sum.
Joe and Mary leave the office, holding hands.
END OF ACT II
ACT III: THE BUG
COMPUDATE’S OFFICE. THE CLERK IS SITTING AT HIS DESK, DOING NOTHING. THIS HAPPENS ONE WEEK AFTER ACT II.
Joe comes in with Mary and a baby carriage containing a newborn slightly glowing baby.
COMPUDATE CLERK
Well hello there, Mary and Joe! What can I help you with?
JOE
(slightly embarrassed)
Er, there appears to have been a misunderstanding in my application. I specifically mentioned that I would like my wife-to-be to be a virgin. Well, she gave birth almost immediately when we got home from here. So, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to return her and get the kind of wife that I originally ordered.
COMPUDATE CLERK
(laughs nervously)
But of course, Sir, er, I mean Joe, just one moment and I will see what went wrong. There must be a bug in our system. Modern technology, you know!!!
The clerk turns to the computer in order to find the reason for the error. The search takes several minutes, and the clerk gets more nervous as time passes.
Suddenly he apparently finds what he is looking for. He freezes, except for his jaw that drops, as he stares at the computer screen while his face turns completely white and cold sweat starts dripping down his forehead.
COMPUDATE CLERK
Oh Jesus!!!
END OF ACT III
THE END